God, Drugs and Sex?

Really Anberlin? Do they really not mean a thing? 

I have seem to realize that they are the exact things that do matter. In every teenagers life. Especially a 17 year old girl. 

WHen life turns for the worse like it has the past few months I have found myself falling into drugs and lust trap and leaving my spiritual beliefs behind. I think I am becoming addicted to pot and sex. Whether this is a teenage thing and you grow out of it I will never know. But I just can’t get my mind off them. I love the effects of the drug and the calmness it brings. I forget everything. I forget about the bitches at school and all my life dramas. But when I come off it, I am left empty and need something to fill it. That’s where the sex comes in.

To me, it does mean something. It actually means a lot. And having someone so close to me is something intimate. But why am I so obsessed? Is it the person or the pleasure? I mean the person I am sleeping with is amazing. I have liked him for a very long time. And it may be turning into love… Which for me is quite dangerous, as we all know. But there is still that chemical stimulating my brain. He actually treats me like shit. And I know that. I feel like shit every time he’s a dickhead to me… But I keep running back to him. He fills a hole I think either my mother or my ex left. And I somehow feel contempt with that. 

As for God, I actually don’t know where to begin with that. I feel as though my faith was shaken a long time. And I am not sure what make me not want to go back to church but I just no longer want to be there. I don’t wish it was different. Because I feel as when I don’t go I am fine and when I do, I feel like shit and worthless. I don’t know whether that’s the people or just my emotion towards the place. 

I honestly don’t know where I am going. But I guess I just needed to get a lot of things off my chest. Yay hahah. I hope the odds or ever in my favor.

“That’s wack!”

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Kelvin and Carrie decided to walk through a shopping centre dressed up. I took the photo so obviously I’m not in it.
(Kelvin: left, Carrie: middle, Friend: right)

About two months ago I moved out of home. My mother said I was “uncontrollable”. So here’s my first question, how can one be uncontrollable is another didn’t try to control? Yes, I did stay out until all hours of the night. But in my defence the person I was out with made me. He (yes, this is a he) would insist on us going for drives and late night maccas runs, or if a person was in need, he felt like it was his duty to help. Which generally meant he’d try and get in their pants… I’ll continue about him in a second. 

So, my mother never said for me not to go out and she never told me a curfew time. But I always told her where I was going and if there was a change of plans, I would let her know! So can someone please tell me how this is uncontrollable? If anything she was. She would pick on my step dad until he’d crack and have a go at her. He even smashed his laptop up because he was sick of her accusing him of either watching pornography or doing something she wouldn’t want. There have even been times where my step dad has taken off for days or even weeks just to get away from her… I honestly don’t know what to think when this happens. Good thing I am no longer in that environment!

Okay, this guy *Kelvin was my bestfriend. I had met him though a fellow foster kid some years back and we kinda just clicked. We added each other on Facebook and started talking heaps and just about random stuff. It was perfect. Well.. Too perfect to be true. And I was right. *Kelvin began to grow feelings for me and they got really strong, but the thing was, I didn’t feel the same for him. What through me off was the constant flirting. I’m the type that would much rather a conversation about something meaningful rather than the whole “if you say so hehe xx” thing. But that could also be because of my maturity level. Anyway, I knew he had very heavy feeling for me but I needed to hear it for myself, so I asked him. He replied with yes and rambled on about how much of a good person I was and how attractive and pretty was. But me being me, freaking out because I was 14 and he was 17. I had no real experience with guys and relationships. I had no idea what people would think I were to date this 17 year old, even though I didn’t like him in that way. So in a moment of freaking out, desperation and clear panic I told him I was a lesbian… With a very close friend of mine. I know. Not very mature and most certainly not the right way to handle the situation. But I did not know what to do. All I knew was that I had hurt him… A lot. He said to me that girls did that sort of thing all the time to him and he used the excuse that he was very over weight. I did feel bad for a very long time. We did stop talk that day. And I didn’t hear from him for months.not did I really want to. I forgot about him very quickly.

A few months later he saw me walking down a street and texted me. We sorted everything out. And it took a while but we became close again. But even closer this time. he had gotten into a relationship with *Carrie, a 15 year old, 9th grade student at one of the Christian schools on the lower region of the postal code. She was very pretty and extremely smart! 

*kelvin would always ask me for relationship advice. I hadn’t met the girl yet but I felt like I already knew her! When we did meet we got on. It was like the perfect scenario for him. The girlfriend and the bestfriend got on. Everything was cherry pie for a while. But as *Kelvin got more female friends, the more jealous *Carrie became. But that was what I was told. This is where problems started occurring.

The thing I only recently found out was that she wasn’t jealous… Well maybe a little but not enough for it to be a big problem between them. She just wanted *Kelvin to find more guy friends. 

Anyway. *about six weeks before *Carrie broke up with *Kelvin, his sister was having a party. I went to it with him. We got absolutely drunk! And we did some things. There it was. He cheated on *Carrie. That was the first time. About 5 days after, I came home from work early because I had a cold and working on drive-thru in the middle of winter wasn’t the best I went home. So, he came over to look after me but after my parents went to bed, he pulled out the moves and I lost my virginity to him, on my sofa. Strike two. This whole having sex with him became a habit. We’d go out and do the deed in the back of his car at a look out or he would drive to a rural area.
It got to a point where we had to stop. *Carrie was still in the picture. But no *Kelvin wanted to keep going and so we did until his relationship was ended by her. Yes, he was chattered. One thing I never understood was, if he was madly in love with her like he always said after the break up, why did he cheat on her so many times?  But that didn’t stop him and I. I never wanted to put a name on us. But when people  asked if we were dating and so on *Kelvin would say “no we’re just fuck buddies”. That was so rude. Urgh. 

I thought I was in love with this guy. But he wanted me unhappy. He got what he wanted. I dated this guy. *Kelvin had no one so he broke my boyfriend and I up. and because I was upset, just like the first time, he took advantage of me. The jerk. Then *Kelvin met these other girls. and started doing the whole pre-dating flirting thing. Little did he know, I was pregnant, and the child was his. But with the stress of him and I fighting, I miscarried. Thinking about it now, it was a good thing. Having his child would give me a life long connection to him. I could not stand that. 

I got kicked out of home, and I moved in with a family that did not like him. and he wasn’t happy about that so I ended the friendship.  That was two months ago. He still texts abuse to me and sends horrible snapchats to me. He needs to move on. 

As I was writing about this, thoughts of things he said came into my head like “I suppose I only liked you because I was fat and willing to lower myself to anything”, “I don’t and never will like you” (five minutes later) “You can’t have sex with someone you’re not attracted to” 

His ex and I are friends now. And I did tell her everything that happened. She isn’t mad. But we can now relate to things together. So in a way, a retarded story has a good ending… I think?