God, Drugs and Sex?

Really Anberlin? Do they really not mean a thing? 

I have seem to realize that they are the exact things that do matter. In every teenagers life. Especially a 17 year old girl. 

WHen life turns for the worse like it has the past few months I have found myself falling into drugs and lust trap and leaving my spiritual beliefs behind. I think I am becoming addicted to pot and sex. Whether this is a teenage thing and you grow out of it I will never know. But I just can’t get my mind off them. I love the effects of the drug and the calmness it brings. I forget everything. I forget about the bitches at school and all my life dramas. But when I come off it, I am left empty and need something to fill it. That’s where the sex comes in.

To me, it does mean something. It actually means a lot. And having someone so close to me is something intimate. But why am I so obsessed? Is it the person or the pleasure? I mean the person I am sleeping with is amazing. I have liked him for a very long time. And it may be turning into love… Which for me is quite dangerous, as we all know. But there is still that chemical stimulating my brain. He actually treats me like shit. And I know that. I feel like shit every time he’s a dickhead to me… But I keep running back to him. He fills a hole I think either my mother or my ex left. And I somehow feel contempt with that. 

As for God, I actually don’t know where to begin with that. I feel as though my faith was shaken a long time. And I am not sure what make me not want to go back to church but I just no longer want to be there. I don’t wish it was different. Because I feel as when I don’t go I am fine and when I do, I feel like shit and worthless. I don’t know whether that’s the people or just my emotion towards the place. 

I honestly don’t know where I am going. But I guess I just needed to get a lot of things off my chest. Yay hahah. I hope the odds or ever in my favor.

How Do I Know if My Boyfriend’s a Psychopath?

When you first started dating your boyfriend you felt like the luckiest girl in the world, but now you’re starting to feel like maybe you weren’t so lucky after all. Like a cat hypnotizing a mouse, psychopaths draw people in before they start attempting to manipulate and control them. Here are some signs that your boyfriend might be a psychopath.

He’s Very Charismatic – His outgoing personality and story telling capabilities are part of his charms. He’s a smooth talker who always knows the perfect thing to say and exactly when to say it.

A Huge Ego – He thinks he’s the best catch around and he’s not afraid to let you know how lucky you are to have him. As far as he’s concerned, no one else is smarter or richer than he is.

Too Much Too Soon –Very early on, he will start trying to convince you that you are his soulmate and tell you that he loves you. He will work hard to break down your emotional barriers with constant physical contact.

He Lies Constantly – He’s constantly telling you lie after lie. If you do catch him in a lie, he will tap dance around the issue and tell you that you must have heard him wrong the first time.

Friendship Red Flags – You will notice that he might know a lot of people, but he has no close friends. He will slowly start pulling you away from your friends so that you’re spending all of your time with him. Once he’s all you’ve got, he will have more control over you.

It’s Never His Fault – None of his previous breakups were his fault. If something happens in your relationship with him, he will immediately twist it around and make it your fault.

He’s Manipulative – He attempts to control you and make you do everything he wants to do. If you want to do something, he will call you selfish for having interests that don’t center around him.

He Insults You – He tells mean jokes about you or insults you in front of your family and friends. When you tell him how it makes you feel, he will say you’re too sensitive, or that he was only joking.

He’s Never Sorry – When he hurts you he never feels sorry and has no empathy towards you. He will tell you that you’re overreacting, and even if he says he’s sorry his words are insincere.

Nothing Better Than Vodka.

Well another holiday spent drinking Vodka and hating my mother more. Another day where I wish papa was alive and being here for me.

It’s 2:40 here in Australia and I’ve already picked up the drink. If my mother was here she would be telling me I am an alcoholic. Hah! But seriously. I hate holidays now. There is always something horrible that happens and I end up crying. But alas, this year should be better than last. I doubt some one will eat my chocolate anyway. 

I’m am surrounded by people whom love me and respect me. I feel happy at the moment. But we’ll see how that goes… 

A lot has happened since I last posted; I no longer talk to that guy I once fell for. The most contact we have a eye contact during worship at Youth. But I feel ready to be JUST FRIENDS with him. I want nothing more from him. But I feel as though he cannot do that. 
My friend Gab came down from Queensland and we had a BBQ. I said hello to Josh and he chocked… I don’t think he was expecting me to say hello. I even caught him checking me out when I was wearing my bikini. How funny.
Another thing, my mother has given me all “my” “stuff” back. It just so happens to junk I have never seen before. Hahaha Nice try mother.

She sold the house. Wow. The bitch hahahahahahahha

As I write this I am getting drunker and drunker. Whooops hahaha 

I should should leave it here for now before I say something bad… TTYL Lovelies ❤ 

Well, shit.

Well guys, a lot has happened since I last posted… Sorry it has taken me so long.

I guess I fall for the wrong people.. Or maybe I am just not meant to be with someone. Either way I always end up hurt and having people tell me that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. The only thing is, there’s two females to every male in the world. I just happen to be that unlucky girl that comes second best.
No, I don’t have a super model body and no, I’m not the most beautiful girl you have ever met, but even though everyone says it’s the personality that counts, they will still rate you on your looks, weight and bra size. 

Falling for people is easy, but falling the right one is hard. I spoke to my friend Jordan about everything that has happened and he said patience will bring THE guy to me. I don’t know if that will happen.

I know I am rambling a bit but I need to get everything off my chest and I feel like people that live on the other side of the world would be the best to vent to. Whether you know what I am going through or not… I may help you not get in these situations…

What if the whole “when we were created our souls were split in half and someone got the other half and they were your soul mate” crap is true… What if there is someone out there who has the other of my soul? Could he please come out of the darkness and meet me. Or what if he is someone close to me? Someone I least expected? What if he doesn’t exist?

 

All my ex’s have been disappointing so what makes every new guy different? Nobody has just simply liked me and want nothing more than to be in my company without the intentions of playing me or hurting me or worse… 

I look for inspirational lyrics to help me, but all I can come up with is The Vamps song Can We Dance. I’m going crazy to like them… 

Can I go to Narnia? Please? 

The day of love

And there is hope for the male kind… 

I have fallen for someone. Everyone knows, it’s really obvious. 

Even though I have been broken by so many guys I feel so happy that I have met him. I can be myself with him. No make up, no false part about me. And Yeah, I really like him. Haha.

I know he likes me. It’s cute. And he even got me a Valentines Day gift. A teddy and a rose. 
I cried when I got it. I was in shock, and I was soo happy! I had never received a VD gift. And to be completely honest, I am so glad he was the first one to ever give me one. He is so special to me. 

Even if we never go out, I want to stay friends with him. He is the type of guy I want in my life. Friend or lover. 

Happy Valentines Day to all my readers. I really hope your day is just a good as mine! Single or betrothed, this day is for everyone. I’m send a rose to all of you beautiful people. Thank you guys! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

Name changing

I am my fathers daughter. But I always dream that my mother is just some woman that he married and wanted kids with. I don’t there was love. At all. But he was not a bad person! Far from it.

I don’t want to be known as Sarah’s daughter any more, simply because a mother wouldn’t do what she has done to her kids.

My father was my angel. And now that God has him, he IS my angel. My Guardian Angel.
He battle with Leukaemia and lost his fight when I just 4. I don’t remember him. I only know what his sounded like from the home movies my Grandfather had made. But from everything my eldest sister has told me he was the light of the world. He cared so much for us. and I love him for that! He is my everything. Always will be.

So, When I get old enough to change my name I will be changing my name to Cameron-Bell.  That way I have no true identity connection with mother. And I feel good for that.

I miss him so, so, so much. R.I.P Daddy ❤

MD&A

You know that feeling where all you want to do is cry but you’ve run out of tears so you start vomiting? I have that. No matter what I do, I will always get anxious. It’s something I just do. Being a Major Depressant and having anxiety is not how I planned to spend my teenage years. 

Maybe I should go to another country and start over… 

Here’s something that will never change.

Heart broken. Again.

Like my friends always say, I really know how to pick ’em! Take what they want (or get) then leave. This is seriously not fair! I want a relationship where it works both ways. Not something where it works for a couple of days then goes down hill. 

But according to my generation, that doesn’t happen. And I’m so sick of it.

Why can’t there be a suitable guy for me? Why can’t guys start to get serious? If this was the early 1900’s everyone my age would be engaged to marry in the spring then expect their first baby 9 months later. The only serious relationship I have is with my razor blade. What a tough life. -.-

Was it THE cabin?

Just after I finished my last post I went for a bush walk up to the top of one of the hills surround the town.  Let’s just say, it was interesting.

The fresh scent of Eucalyptus, the song of Bell Birds, the crunches of my footsteps filled the atmosphere. 20 degrees Celsius, overcast and about to rain I walked up the steep track and stairs to one of the look outs. I had never seen anything quite like the view! Starting from the left I could see the lake, then the football stadium, the hospital, the church, the shopping centre and all the homes. I stood on the edge of the cliff Letting the breeze run through my hair. But I heard footsteps. And they weren’t coming from the track… 

I continued my journey along watching the different angles of the view change as I walk further and further. Down the track was a figure, sitting on a rock. I froze. “Could this be the persons footsteps I heard?” I was thinking. I hid behind a tree paranoid this figure could attack me at any moment. And what made the situation worse was, I was far away from civilization and by myself with no water. But I stared at the figure for a while and realized it was a statue. So I walked up to it and found the eyes had been crossed out with a sharp object and both hands were cut off. I started to worry.

I pressed on through my negative thoughts and kept walking. The footsteps still following me. I got to a fork in the track. Robert Frost once said “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I’m sorry I could not travel both”, I was sorry I didn’t take the other track. I walked along thinking of what school would be like this year and keeping an ear out for those footsteps. But they had stopped… What? 

I got to a road and decided I’ll follow it, knowing curiosity killed to cat I kept going. I saw this Cabin. And it looked just like the one from Cabin In The Woods. I knew I had to get out of there. This was not right. 

I ran back down the track. I didn’t care about the tree branches hitting me, I WANTED OUT AND FAST! I heard voices and saw shadows of figures lurking from where I just came from. I ran faster. Running out of breath and getting dizzy, I went off track away from sight and calmed down. It was quiet. The only sound was of nature going on with it’s daily life. I convinced myself I was just being paranoid and I watch too many horror films. So, I continued. I got about half way between the cabin and the road where the track started before I hear footsteps again. But this time I saw the figure. I wasn’t imaging it. It was there! 

I heard the masculine voice of a grown man call out “Stop, or you’ll get it!”. I ran as fast as I could. Saying my prayers to God because I knew, He’d either get me out in time or, this man will do unspeakable things to me. 

“Oi you little shit, I’ll get you hahaha!” He yelled again. I could see he was holding some form of knife. “You’re not fit enough to run the rest of the way and I bet I can find you if you hide!”. He was right. I wasn’t fit enough to run the rest of the way and he probably knew this whole area really well. But adrenaline made me keep running. That was until I fell, hit my head on a rock and was complete knocked out cold. But I knew. He got me.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/weekly-writing-challenge-cliffhanger/