Really Anberlin? Do they really not mean a thing?
I have seem to realize that they are the exact things that do matter. In every teenagers life. Especially a 17 year old girl.
WHen life turns for the worse like it has the past few months I have found myself falling into drugs and lust trap and leaving my spiritual beliefs behind. I think I am becoming addicted to pot and sex. Whether this is a teenage thing and you grow out of it I will never know. But I just can’t get my mind off them. I love the effects of the drug and the calmness it brings. I forget everything. I forget about the bitches at school and all my life dramas. But when I come off it, I am left empty and need something to fill it. That’s where the sex comes in.
To me, it does mean something. It actually means a lot. And having someone so close to me is something intimate. But why am I so obsessed? Is it the person or the pleasure? I mean the person I am sleeping with is amazing. I have liked him for a very long time. And it may be turning into love… Which for me is quite dangerous, as we all know. But there is still that chemical stimulating my brain. He actually treats me like shit. And I know that. I feel like shit every time he’s a dickhead to me… But I keep running back to him. He fills a hole I think either my mother or my ex left. And I somehow feel contempt with that.
As for God, I actually don’t know where to begin with that. I feel as though my faith was shaken a long time. And I am not sure what make me not want to go back to church but I just no longer want to be there. I don’t wish it was different. Because I feel as when I don’t go I am fine and when I do, I feel like shit and worthless. I don’t know whether that’s the people or just my emotion towards the place.
I honestly don’t know where I am going. But I guess I just needed to get a lot of things off my chest. Yay hahah. I hope the odds or ever in my favor.